Postal Dude vs Conker (POSTAL vs Conker's Bad Fur Day)
"Everybody has bad days, but how you respond to it is a testament to whether you are a winner or a loser." -Aaron Gordon
Welcome to my First and Hopefully not Last Blog,i have Wanted to make this Matchup for a long time Now as Postal and Conker are very Special Series to me,but just never got around to actully trying to make a Blog,Until Now.
The Postal Dude, The Ruler of Paradise!
Conker, King of all The Land!
These Two Seem to be the only Normal People in their Batshit Insane World,And when you are a Psychopath and a Alcoholic Squirrel That's definitly saying a lot! Will The Postal Dude Sign Conker's Death Sentence? or Will Conker Make Dude Regret Ever Challenging him? TIME TO FIND OUT
Before We Start…
For the Postal Dude we will be Using Postal 2 and it's DLCs,including Enhanced Mode,Postal 4,Postal 1/Redux,The Postal Movie and Oh,Sir! we will However not use Postal 3 and Postal Brain Damaged as they take place in a Dream,as for Conker,He dosen't have a lot so we will be Using Everything Including Young Conker. Also,Postal is Know for having...Some Pretty Dark Themes and is full of 2010 Humor so yeah,be Warned. This Page was also used for Most Feats and Calcs,we also won't give Conker The Multiplayer Weapons since he never really used them.
Background
The Postal Dude
The Postal Dude is Just your Average American,He has a Not-So Well Paying Job,His Pet Dog Champ,a trailer,i mean not a Good one but...Well you know what i Mean! And of Course,His...Beautiful? Wife. who continuously gives him orders while forcing the Dude to do various annoying errands. And things don't go so Well,He Gets Fired form his Job,And Everywhere he Goes Chaos Just seems to Follow.
Until he finally has Enough and Shoots himself in The Head,After waking up in the Hospital Where he Receives a Note form his Wife Telling him She Has Decided to Leave Him,He also receives notes saying that his trailer has been taken away,and that Champ is in the Dog Pound to be "put asleep" on Sunday.
After a Long Weekend,Dude Rescues Champ As they both Leave Paradise,but as they are driving away a warhead explodes, destroying the entire Paradise in the process. However, during the Postal Dude's escape, Champ sees a stray cat and gives chase. Thus, the Postal Dude turns his car around, heading back toward Paradise despite the Nuclear Fallout. Unfortunately, his head wound starts acting up causing him to crash his car and fall into a radiation induced coma where he dreams of a "future gone wrong".He awakens eleven years later from a radiation induced coma, and sets out to find Champ in the ruins of Paradise.
After Once Again Finding Champ and Crashing his Wife's Wedding with the Help of His Postal 3 Self,he Finally Leaves Paradise Once And For All...
Years after the events of Paradise Lost, the Postal Dude has finally left Paradise and has ended up in a new town called Edensin. After His Trailer Gets Stolen he Attempts to Find a Job in it,But He Would Soon Confront His Father who was the Boss of The Entire City,After a Long Fought Battle,Postal Dude Sr. Choose's to Die Instead of Accepting the Mercy of His Son. The Postal Dude Soon Leaves Eldensin,no Place to Go,No Family,No Friends. But At Least he has his Pal Champ and a Comfy Trailer,Maybe in The End That's What Matters Most,To Appreciate the Small Things in Life.
Conker
As a Young Squirrel,Conker was told by his parents never to drink alcohol, be greedy or swear. And While he Did Obey these Orders as a Kid,but Time Changes A Person,Conker Slowly but Surely Became slightly greedy, alcoholic squirrel we all know and Love!
after a night of binge drinking, Conker walked into the Panther Kingdom accidentally. The Panther King however can't keep his milk on the table because a leg is missing. His assistant Professor von Kriplespac concludes that a red squirrel will make the perfect leg.
And so the Panther King Sended Pratically his Entire Kingdom after Conker who just wanted to go home.
Kriplespac then Reveals to the King he betrayed him as he implanted a Xenomorph egg inside the Panther King, which hatches into a Xenomorph,and Just As Conker is about to meet his End,The game glitches. He used this To His Advantage,Talking Directly to The Software Enginner in order to Get the Tools to put a End to the Alien.
He Is then Crowned king of all The Land,And while this Would be Great News for some,Conker Never Wanted this,he just Wanted a Simple Life,he never wanted to be king,But it Was his Fate.
Experience And Skill
The Postal Dude
Even though he dosen't have any Training we Know of,He's Extremly Skilled when it comes to Firearms,Able to Hit 6 Heads Consecutively with a Revolver,and Able to take Entire Army's,he was even able to break out of a military base with nothing but Matchsticks,He Has Gone to hell and back,he has fought Cow Demons,this guy has gone trough Everything the world throws at him.
Conker
Conker has been Kicking ass For a Long Time,even when he was a child he was able to Stop the plans of the...Evil Acorn (well that's a Lame Villain),he also Raced and Won against wizpig ,a alien who Conquered his Entire Homeworld,Conker has Served in a War,he's also very tricky,he once convinced a guard that he is not a squirrel, but rather an elephant
Equipment
The Postal Dude
Pistols
- Pistol: ah...You just Can't Go Wrong with the Basic,The Pistol does a moderate amount of damage but is very accurate.
- Machine Pistol: The Machine Pistol deals slightly less damage and is less accurate, but has a higher rate of fire as a trade-off, and also can be set to a 3-shot burst or full automatic fire.
- Revolver: it is capable of killing most enemies in one shot, barring any armour they may be wearing. When The Postal Dude kills someone it fills up the Execution meter. Which will mark up to six people. Who makes so Dude Always hits their head.
- P350: What it lacks in stopping power, the P350 makes up in its fast firing. You know what they say, it's not the size that counts
- Flare Gun: Upon hitting a target, the flare will set them on fire to make them into Crispy Corpses.
Shotguns
- Shotgun: Probably The best Kind of weapon in any game,The Shotgun fires a Powerful shot it can be Doubled by Firing both Shots at Once. It also has a secondary fire which launches a handful of weak, slow-moving explosive projectiles in a wide spread.
- Sawed-Off Shotgun: one of the most powerful weapons in Dude's Arsenal,able to kill strong enemies in a single shell shot. This is due to releasing up to 32 pellets with each blast.
- Lever-Action Shotgun: it's a old,Wild West style shotgun that uses a lever for cycling a new shell into the firing chamber. It deals similar damage and fires the same amount of pellets as the regular Shotgun,but has a much tighter spread.
- Beta Shotgun: It behaves similarly to the regular shotgun, but fires more pellets per shot, causing it to deal more damage and also allowing it to be more effective even at long range.
- The Fournicator: it is a quadruple-barreled shotgun that fires four consecutive shots at once, dealing massive damage.
Rifles
- Machine Gun: a Automatic Rifle who has a alt-fire that will shoot ricocheting scissors.
- MP5: an automatic weapon with two fire modes: semi-auto & full-auto,it deals more Damage but Looses Accuracy.
- Hunting Rifle: allows Dude to zoom in using the scope, allowing him to pick off enemies who are far away,The Hunting Rifle also fires explosive rounds.
- AKM: The AKM functions identically to the Machine Gun, with a notable difference being a slower rate of fire and a more erratic recoil pattern.
- Ingram: It has the fastest rate of fire of all the automatic weapons, as well as the highest magazine capacity at the cost of lower damage and a high recoil pattern.
- M60: What it lacks in fire rate in more than makes up for with its high damage and enormous ammo pool, with 100 bullets in each box of bullets.
Gas & Fire
- Gasoline: while Tecnically Harmless,The Gasoline works like how you would Expect it to,Leaving the Target Vulnerables to Fire Based Attacks. It also Serves as Fuel for Certain Weapons.
- Matches: this is mostly just What Makes The Gasoline actully useful,you throw it at someone Soaked in gas,And They catch on fire.
- Homemade Flamethrower: it was made using a "Trippo" lighter and a can of aerosol deodorant. The flames produced are slow moving fireballs that set anything it comes into contact ablaze.
- Chainsaw: The Chainsaw is one of the more powerful melee weapons,it deals continuous damage and the Postal Dude can Also Swing it Around Leatherface Style.
- Weed Whacker: When used, the blade at the front spins and any collision with any enemy will transfer a lot of damage very quickly, often tearing off limbs and other body parts. Alternate fire does a more deliberate swipe, that causes a lot more damage at once, and often immediately bifurcates enemies.
Launchers
- Rocket Launcher: The Rocket Launcher does not need hit the target directly to have an effect,it imparts a considerable amount of damage when the rocket explodes. Keep in mind that this weapon requires time to fuel before firing. The longer Dude fuels the rocket the farther it will be able to travel. It can also launch manually controlled Rockets. it can create a Explosion this big
- Box Launcher: It fires flat-colored bouncing boxes that kill anyone on impact and turns their ragdoll into a missile with the same effect. These human missiles will gib characters upon collision. The Box Launcher also comes with an alternative firing mode that lets the user control the launched boxes.
- Mini-Nuke Launcher: The Mini-Nuke Launcher fires a missile, and creates a gigantic explosion radius with a tall mushroom cloud when it lands. It can create a Explosion this Big
- WMD: does more damage and has higher blast radius than the Rocket Launcher. The explosion creates a green mist,if The victim Survives the Explosion they will Vomit until their Death.
- Napalm Launcher: The Napalm Launcher need to hit the target directly but It can fire relatively long distances. Once it Hits Someone it will Set them on Fire.
- Grenade Launcher: it does exactly as the name says,it Lauchs Grenades. It can also shoot cats that will bounce around walls while screaming. The cats explode on impact.
- Bean Bag Gun: It is a rotating cannon that uses compressed air to fire lead-filled bean bags at enemies, knocking them unconscious for a few dozen seconds
Throwables
- Grenade: The Grenade can be used to create small explosions.
- Molotov Cocktail: The Molotov Cocktail will ignite its target upon impact.
- Dynamite: It Works exactly like a Grenade except it Deals More Damage.
- Krotchy Grenade: Powered by nuclear material, Krotchy Grenades deal massive damage to enemies with a blast radius similar to a Mini-Nuke.
- Scissors: The Scissors can be thrown at enemies who are in relatively close range. ricochet off of walls. which is especially handy because the scissors can be retrieved if they stick in a wall. Dude also Runs Faster while Holding them.
- Cow Head: The rotting, festering Cow Head can be tossed making an orange mist spew from the head, causing the victim to panic and then eventually throw up blood before dying.
- Flash Grenade: Flash Grenades function like regular Grenades, but instead of exploding they create a bright flash of light that can stun enemies for a long period of time.
- Pigeon Mine: upon Lauching it,a Shitload of Pigeons will Swarm the Victim (And Yet they Still Claim to not have enough Budget for a Pigeon Mission)
Melee
- Shovel
- Protest Sign
- Baton
- Pitchfork
- Shocker
- Machete
- Sledgehammer
- Scythe
- Baseball Bat
- Dusters
- Shears
- Axe
- Bali
- Bitch's Katana
- Dildo
- Hammer
- Tazer Baton
- Mop
- Mallet
- Rattler
Spurt'N'Squirt 9000
The Spurt 'N 'Squirt 9000 is a modified water gun and It can take on several different roles through different ammo types, making it an incredibly versatile weapon
- Gasoline will turn it into a flamethrower.
- Water will turn it back into a conventional water Gun.
- Urine will turn it into a handheld piss cannon
Spray Can
Health,Armor And Ammo
- Medkit: Heals 30HP Points
- Kevlar Vest: gives Dude 100 armor points and takes most of the damage done (About 80 or 90 percent), and the rest is taken directly.
- SiC Body Armor: The Same but with 200 Armor Points
- Dura Fleb Armor: The Same once again but with 300 Armor points.
- Fast Food: Heals 10 HP Points
- Junk Food: Heals 5 HP Points
- Doughnut: Heals 3 HP Points
- Bottle of Water: Heals 2 HP Points and Serves as Ammo for Dude's Piss
- Health Pipe: Completly Restores Dude to Full Health Plus a Extra 25HP However after 400 seconds the Postal Dude's heart rate will start to speed up and he will eventually have a small heart attack due to withdrawal, taking down his health by 25%,this can be avoided by smoking another Health Pipe.
- Backpack: Allows Dude to Carry Around Twice as Much Ammo
- Explosive Rounds
- Incendiary Rounds
- Tazer Rounds
- Tranquillizer Rounds
Cats
The Postal Dude can pick up cats and equip them as silencers for the Shotgun and the Machine Gun. He can actually insert the barrel in the cat's rear and all the bullets come out of its mouth. After nine shots from any weapon, the silencer cat will be destroyed.
Fish Finder
The Fish Finder is a bass sniffer supposedly used to find fish. In gameplay however, it actually detects nearby people. Red "fishes" are hostile people, yellow "fishes" indicate those alerted of your actions, and white "fishes" are normal, unaffected or unprovoked people. The Fish Finder has three expansions to upgrade its use:
- Largemouth Plug-in: detects law enforcement organizations.
- Piranha Plug-in: detects armed and potentially dangerous NPCs
- Chompy Game Cartridge: Dude Will become invincible thanks to Chompy's "mystical energy", and a fat red fish will appear on the radar,When Chompy reaches a "fish",Chompy will use his "Dark Voodoo Powers" to kill them. Dude also Receives Some prizes like health items and body armors depending on the number of persons killed. It can even kill Ghosts
Catnip
Doggie Treats
Thermo-Nuclear Warhead
Map
Power-Infused Gary Autobiography
When activated, the Dude's weapon changes to Gary's head and there is a Gary head with "three" next to the Dude's health. The Dude's vision also changes to the hallucination filter. The effect ends when enemies destroy the Gary heads surrounding him. They can be destroyed if they are shot by the enemy or if they touch an enemy. It can launch a Gary head straight forward or a homing head (What the Fuck...)
Police Uniform
Lawman Uniform
Sexy Outfit
Energy Drink
When consumed, it allows the Postal Dude to dual-wield most weapons in his arsenal for a short period of time.
Akimbo Power
Vitamin X
- Gives Dude Super strong urine stream,It can not only break windows, but also knock over Civilians.
- Machete will dismember someone with no charge time
- Melee attacks are faster
- Dude’s movement speed increased
- Kicking people will send Them Flying
Ensmallen Cure
Created by Gary Coleman by pissing in chemicals,This can Shrink and Weaken Enemies.
Scooter
Perfect for Running over People,in StyleConker
SMG
they have a fast rate of fire and are fairly easy to aim.
Shotgun
it was given to Conker by Gregg After Gregg learns that Conker wants to go to his ancestor's mansion. Which happens to be a Vampire.
Crossbow
a Simple,laser-guided,esay to Aim Weapon,it's Also Made of Bones. Heeey,There ya go,Now this Matchup has a Excuse to Be Released in october (Hopefully)
Blowtorch
Bazooka
One of the Most Powerful Weapons in Conker's Arsenal,Able to blow Anyone who crosses his Path to Bits,with the Downside of him being pretty slow with it.
Slingshot
a Surprisgly Powerful Slingshot able to kill Enemies in a few hits,Conker can Even Use Flaming Conker's to shoot Fire.
Melee Weapons
a Weapon Perfect for Slicing Enemies and Company Logos alike. No,Really. Conker Really loves doing that.
Bomb
Now That's a Bomb that would make Bomberman proud,it's quite literally almost as big as Conker,Though there's a risk of it blowing up in his Face worse Than the Young Conker VR Game.
Gas Mask
The Gas Mask Conker used to Explored the Poo Mountain,it's definitly a Powerful Gas Mask if it can Protect Conker form this.
Throwing Knifes
He used these to Fight the GREAT MIGHTY POO,but its pratically useless against anyone else unless they are made of shit.
TNT
Seltzer Tablets
They make Conker feel better when he is hungover.
Prune Juice
Helmet
Confidence Pills
These Pills do Exactly what they say and give Conker Confidence,in fact after drinking them Conker was able to Learn how to swim Almost Immediately.
Tank
If Conker needs some Extra Firepower,he has a Tank,it's able to Completly Destroy most Enemies in a single Shot.
If Conker needs some Extra Firepower,he has a Tank,it's able to Completly Destroy most Enemies in a single Shot.
Anti-Gravity Chocolate
It works as Conker's healthbar and a Way to heal himself,even if he dosen't like it that much.
Pocket Watch
Kart
A vehicle that can magically change between being a kart, a plane, and a hovercraft that can go over both water and land.
Weapon Ballons
When touched, Weapon Balloons grant the racers items to attack their opponents or improve the racers' performance.
- Red Ballon
- One Ballon gives you a Single Missile
- Two Ballons Give you a Homing Missile.
- Three Ballons Give you 5 Missiles
- Blue Ballon
- One Ballon Give you A speed boost, with an orange blast
- Two Ballons Give you A stronger speed boost, with a light blue blast
- Three Ballons Give you an even stronger speed boost, with a purple blast
- Green Ballon
- One Ballon Give you An oil spill (Cars and Hovercrafts)/Gas cloud (Planes)
- Two Ballons Give you A land mine (Cars and Hovercrafts)/Floating land mine (Planes)
- Three Ballons Give you A bubble that traps a racer that rides into it, floats upward, and pops
- Yellow Ballon
- One Ballon Give you A short-lasting shield that protects the user against items. It also spins out other racers.
- Two Ballons Give you A longer-lasting shield
- Three Ballons Give you A shield that lasts even longer
- Rainbow Ballons
- One Ballon Give you A weak, yellow magnet that pulls the user towards a nearby racer.
- Two Ballons Give you A stronger, red magnet.
- Three Ballons Give you A powerful magnet that pulls back opponents to the user
a mask Conker Uses to Go Underwater,i'm not sure how it could be applicable for Combat,i mean maybe he can defend himself form the Water Gun with it,also it's kinda useless since conker already knows how to swim
Torch
Whatever this thing is
Spying Pan
Conker's High-tech Frying Pan sidekick form that One game nobody Remembers,it works the same way as the normal Frying Pan except it has a Extremely obnoxious voice
Abilities
The Postal Dude
4th Wall Awarness
If it wasn't Obvious by Now,The Postal Dude knows he's in a Game,in fact he Outright Insults the player if he Saves too much.
Superhuman Stamina
Urine Manipulation
Necromancy
He has Shown to be able to Resurrect The Dead by Pissing on them,maybe they just get so Pissed to the point they JUST HAVE to come back to the mortal world (Ba dum tss!)
Telekinesis
The Postal Dude can...SOMEHOW,pick People up with his Mind and Launch them away,and this extends to Stuff like Entire Adult Elephants.
Resurrection
normally Dying and Coming back in a Video Game is just a gameplay thing but The Postal Dude Outright calls it out and even being Implied to go To hell and come back.
normally Dying and Coming back in a Video Game is just a gameplay thing but The Postal Dude Outright calls it out and even being Implied to go To hell and come back.
Resistances
- Electricity Manipulation: can Casually walk in Power Lines which range from 155,000 volts to 765,000
- Disease Manipulation: Isn't Affected by his own Disease Weapons
- Radiation Manipulation: Went into an 11-year radiation-induced coma and came out fine
- Fire Manipulation: Can Walk Trough fire without getting hurt in Enhanced Mode
Conker
4th Wall Awarness
Much like his Opponent,Conker is aware he's in a game,He Even has the Manual of the Game itself with him.
Urine Manipulation
While he Dosen't Have any Special Kinds of Piss,It can Still extinguish Flames And Even kill Beings made of Fire.
Limited Flight
Transformation
Conker can Transform himself into a Large Anvil to break Trough Objects,he can still Move even as a Anvil.
Resurrection
Conker has a Unique way of Cheating Death,Red Squirrels can have as many lifes as they think they can get away with so as long as Conker Thinks he will get away with at least One More life,he will come back
Feats
The Postal Dude
Overall
- Survived a Week in Paradise
- Escaped 4 apocalyptic events in a Row
- Saved his Dog form being put down
- Defeated Mike J,his Ex-Wife and His Father
- Became the ruler of Paradise
- Was one of the most Controversial games of it's time
- Beat God in a Insult Battle and Discovered the meaning of Life
Strength
Speed
Durability
- Could tank attacks from his ex-wife powered-up by Life-Giving Milk
- Can take hits from most of his own weapons
- Can Take hits form His Mini Nuke Launcher as Long as he's wearing Body Armor (Debatable)
Overall
- Saved Timber's Island form Wizpig
- Defeated the Evil Acorn and Rescued his Girlfriend Berri
- Defeated the GREAT MIGHTY POO who puts him at Pooversal frfr
- Became The King of all The Land
- His Remake Carried Xbox Buying Rare hard
Strength
Speed
Durability
Weaknesses
The Postal Dude
The Postal Dude has a Severe Crack Addiction and while this may help him,it can also come back to bite him in the ass,The Postal Dude is also...Not the Sharpest tool in the shed to say the least.
Conker
While he Dosen't have any Notable Weaknesses,Conker's alcoholism and Greed can get the better of him at times,in fact,that's the entire reason the Plot of the game started.
Before the Veredicts...
Planet Level Postal?
Okay,i will keep this Simple and short,in this Cutscene Dude blows up Earth by Shooting a Arsenal of Nukes,now i don't even need to say what's wrong with this. 1,These Nukes aren't his,so for him to use them in Combat he would need Preptime and even if they were Blowing up the earth Will obviously kill dude himeself.
Also no,him killing his Developers do not put him at that level either.
but When it Reaches Speed is where things get Difficult,The Postal Dude has mang Speed Feats but they all come nowhere near close to Conker's FTL Laser Feat,so it would most likely go like this,So Yeah Conker Easily takes Speed.
As for Durability,this is close if you Buy the Mini Nuke Tanking,Postal Dude's Mini Nuke comes out to 4.32750 Tons of TNT while Evil Acorn was Lauched into Orbit in Massively Hypersonic Speeds and Survived which comes to 3.78962 Tons which should put Conker in the same league aka Large Building level,if you don't buy it however then Conker should have a pretty Clear Advantage
Arsenal
Now,don't get me wrong Conker's Arsenal is impressive but it dosen't come close to Dude's Arsenal,Multiple Ways to heal,Multiple Ways to Dura Neg,not to mention how versatile it is,Conker does have the Superior Vehicles though since the Postal Dude is out here with a Fucking Scooter.
Not to mention the Postal Dude has stuff like the Chompy's Game Cartridge who turns him Completly invincible and oneshots anyone he touches,not to mention the Catnip who can (Maybe?) Slow down Time? Though I'd say that's pretty Debatable,and Crack that just Completly Heals Dude.
Overall this is a Case of More is Better.
Abilities
This is another esay one,Conker's only useful Ability is the Ressurection really,While Dude not only has that but better since he dosen't really need to Think he can get away with it,he just can,but he can also Resist stuff like Conker's Flamethrower,And the Telekinesis is Especially useful since it can make Conker unable to fight as long as Dude's using it.
Conclusion
This Seemed pretty Clear Cut at first but i genuinely can't see how Dude can catch up with Conker,but the Problem is that you just have Conker Blitzing Around but unable to harm Dude,Atough Debatable The Catnip could Possibly slow down Conker.
Dude is also the only one of the two Capable of Permanently killing the Other,due to Chompy's Game Cartridge being able to kill Ghosts ,so i see it going two Ways,one,Postal Dude literally cant hit Conker but Conker can't kill the Postal Dude and it ends in a tie,or two and the more likely,it comes down to Stamina.
the Dude went into an 11-year radiation-induced coma and survived despite having no medical assistance, fluids or nutrients whatsoever whole Conker's dosen't really have any Stamina Feats,so it's likely he would get tired Eventually allowing the Postal Dude to to put a end to him. The Catnip could also Close the Gap as i said.
Advantages and Disadvantages
The Postal Dude
Advantages:
- Stronger and Slightly More Durable
- More Versatile Weapons and Abilities
- Superior Immortality
- Chompy's Game Cartridge could Counter Conker's Immortality
- Can Fight on for Longer
- More Skilled
- Catnip can Possibly Slow Conker down
- Has many ways to instantly Kill Conker
- Massively Slower
- Less Intelligent
- Pratically Useless Vehicle Compared to Conker's Kart and Tank
- Postal 3
Conker
Advantages:
- Massively Faster
- Smarter
- More Experienced
- Superior Vehicles
- Gas Mask Could Protect him form Dude's Disease Based Weapons.
- Weaker and Less Durable
- Weaker Overall Arsenal
- Would eventually get Tired
- Could be Killed rather easily by many of Dude's Weapons
- Less Skilled
In The End The Squirrel King Picked a Bad day to mess with the Supreme Ruler of the Lost Paradise!
THE WINNER IS THE POSTAL DUDE!
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